overheard conversation at 1452hours, Sat 28 Dec 2002
train bound for caulfield

Male40s: "been divorced..."
Woman20s: "again? its the 3rd divorce brother!"
Male40s: "yea ... things just dont last long do they ... haah"
Women20s: "you know whats wrong with you guys?"
Male40s:" i am all ears, if my dear sister has the answers!"
Women20s: "you men! all you listen to is ur penis! thats why! thats fuckin why!"
Male40s:"at least my penis dont lie, unlike women!"
Women20s: " ... .............. ..... "
crowd including myself sported a silent grin
i found the argument worthy of me blogging and sharing.
names have been left out to protect the commuters of public transportation from the nosy parker crumbled.
but hey, i wasnt the only listening. plus they were so loud. cant blame the toast.

you went easy with your conscience
if you ever had one
let me tell you a story
a tale of accounts not balancing
a tale of a party giving more than the other
a tale of a party who whizzed off
a tale of a party who dragged me
into a realm, he guesses i cant see
it hurts me alittle
like salt to a wound
i never thought someone would wanna shun me
for reasons, i seek to know
i never thought i was a thorn
guess i was, for your reactions told a sad tale
still, i feel shortchanged.
still, i feel in doubt.
maybe you should reconsider.
letting me see you in the usual place again.
cos summer's here
lights out, sun's shining
and i know what i m missing
i arent a fool, though some thought i was, or some hope i am
maybe i was alittle foolish
but regrets arent my cup of tea
and i dont deny having lost aplenty along the streets
i should regret shouldnt i?
for having tied myself in a dead knot
with a bad rope
and sustain disgusting scars
and tormenting nightmares
yes. you had that much grip on my life.
i bought a number of scissors
one after another, i threw them out
cos it seems the rope's alittle tacky
but this new one
i hope should work
wonders.
good bye history.
till we meet again.

Little child, Dry your crying eyes, How can I explain, The fear you feel inside
Cause you were born, Into this evil world, Where man is killing man
And no one knows just why
What have we become, Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed, You must build again

When the children cry, Let them know we tried
Cause when the children sing, Then the new world begins

Little child, You must show the way
To a better day, For all the young
Cause you were born, For all the world to see
That we all can live ,With love and peace
No more presidents, And all the wars will end
One united world under God


my home's alittle quiet these days.
the slams on my neighbour's door becomes more evident.
i hear a familiar voice when the radio's on
i hear a familiar voice when the showers pouring
i turn the volume down
i turn the taps off
silence.
golden silence.
nothing. just another illusion.
till another door slam comes along.
my cricket passed away few moments ago.
been cohabiting with the bug for bout 2 weeks or so.
been a shame! i didnt give it good care i reckon.
sensed something was amiss when i didnt hear the creekings
the little creature fixed my life up alittle
i learnt to breathe slower
i learnt to talk lesser, listen more
i learnt to have a momentum
speech, relations, actions, whateva
a momentum, a balance, a beat, a rhythm
it was given as a token for me to
remember that i may be physically alone
but spiritually and emotionally
many hearts are beating at the same rhythm and rate as mine
how profounds that?
sorry dudes. i gave the fella a bad life.
he might have lived longer without me.
but i did picked alot of stuffs up from the noisy fella.
rest in peace. cnn.

*my wrist's aching like hell, old tennis injury
i shouldnt have ran for that backhand
thank god for wristbands
guess i cant play till 3 days later. ouch!

i am struggling this very moment.
with a bad tummy ailment. darn*
*ouch.. wonders whats the figgin cause!

this year in review
2002 has been amazing as always
just a twitch of an eye and i have been on this planet for
close to 22 years.
some days i woke up to be greeted by horrid news
snipers, 9-11memories, bali massacre, strained relations with iraq, corporate scandals, church sex scandals
on a more personal note
a few days i woke up to shock and awe
drawings went missing
friggin computer crashed
monitors blew
but the greatest blow
knowing i didnt bid farewell to my chummy
the last goodbye. i failed.
listening to the popes, priests, and pastors' christmas messages
brought a cold chilly feel down my already nerved wreaked spine
'merry christmas' have morphed into 'safe and happy holidays'
the word 'safe' encapsulates vast amount of stature recently
i am thankful for surviving one day, seriously
breathing has become a luxury, cos you never know when you will ever breath your last
but i just hope that my last breath would be of zero regrets
and everyone should
medical advancement has brought discussions of a longer life span
maybe it all wouldnt surface
maybe the same species who invented immortality
invented mortality too
no one should be afraid of dying
everyone's just afraid of dying at the wrong time
how human is that. we always strive to be ontime.
to meet targets. to reached the prescribed location at the prescribed time.
we peer at our watches. we cut people's conversations.
time's up, you say.
when time's really up. then regrets sinks in.
when will somebody ever be ready for death?
that sounds absurb even when i typed it out.
i guess, it all sinks back to
living life to the fullest. anticipating the worst. yet not morphing into a morbid neurotic.
this entire chunk of blog sounds alittle blue.
but i reckon its pretty true.
no worries, things will bloom as we approach the last hours of 2002.
thats true.
* damn. i couldnt get tix to 2Towers, guess i would have to katch it when the fever's a little subsided.

i couldnt rest before bloggin this totally a b s u r b piece of news!
The Malaysian government believes the Hollywood star Brad Pitt's appearance in a recent series of car advertisements in this region was "an insult to Asians".
Deputy Information Minister Zainuddin Maidin said that ads featuring models and personalities who don't look Asian would "plant a sense of inferiority among Asians," the national news agency Bernama reported.
"Why must we use their faces in our advertisements?" Zainuddin was quoted as saying.
"Aren't our own people handsome enough?"
Zainuddin said the government recently pulled the plug on advertisements for Toyota Altis cars featuring Pitt.
*alittle absurb and it just shows whats pondering the top malaysian officials. water,cars,petrol,sugar,salt,oil,tallest buildings,tudongs, oh wait! get ur big fat nose out of my affairs! me touch no pork, so you touch no me!
the above are views of crumbled toast, take it with a pinch of salt. and impress nothin on your heart please. cant take it, please purge.

4days.
4days.
4days.
4days.
and its new years eve.
rave.rove. and ramble in 2003!

i shall take a well deserved break before drafting my new year resolution/s?
slumberland ... here i come!
*p.s: i hate the boxing day crowd. myers n dj's were packed ...
*p.s: i had the morning to rest since i plus heaps more people werent able to get tixs to MCG! i m still sour over the ordeal.
Fulfilling Boxing Day! do take a minute to reflect and remind yourself of the less previleged people around us. thats the whole spirit of Boxing Day!

the weather's turning chilly.
which is pretty alright. caters to me.
not a white christmas, but a cool one at least.
my second christmas in melbourne.
my third christmas away from home.
london. melbourne. melbourne.
i was so tempted to grab a ticket and zoom off to a white christmas.
thanks for the offer chummy, shovelling snow for 12 days of christmas
for a free to n fro air ticket, valued at 2199.
fantastic chrissie pressie, with hidden costs i reckon.

i dont usually fancy e-cards, especially e-birthdays, e-christmas cards, i render them betta tossed in the recycled bin, then in my mail box. maybe thats why i only recieved bout ... 14 e-cards this year. yea. its friggin expensive to get cards sent downunder. one of them was from .... oh well. shessssh* but if you did send me an e-card, thats alright. appreciate it still. but i reckon the posties would be glad to deliver more mails. i seen many of them, beating the christmas rush, i think they deserve some limelight as opposed to the fat guy in a red rope. they are the precious elves. thanks posties, all around the globe.

trevor rang me today in regards to some plans i made that were pretty life changing. darn, seems like all plans i make are ruddy life changing. but since my good O friend gave the signal, i shall go with my instincts and execute the plans! *never easy, always horrid, felt like the villian, but after the execution, it seems like the other party was the mean witch, bastard! oops, sorry, season to be jolly. God Bless You! arsehole! *chuckles.. on the road to recovery

for my close chummies, these are my most candid words ever. at least in this year.

pretty saddened by the mere fact that you guys arent with me at this time of the year when we usually sing our crappy carols, and roam down 'downing street' to drown the poor neighbours with our cracking carols. but the home made blair-witchy movie was impressive, will keep that cd always. its been 4 years since we had a 'solid gathering' where all members of our elite(*jests) group were present. but it would be impossible to do so in the future, with the loss of one of our important organs, Andi. The year has been one of ups and downs, laughters and cries, shouts and squabbles, without with, life would be a chore travelling.

'tis is the season to be forgiving, to sacrifice, to love, to care for, to do and all things good. i havent reciprocrated many of the helps and pulls i get when i fell, nevertheless, i am always awed by how some individuals never failed to drop me a tinkle, at my weakest moments. yea. nicholas, nigel(in as much as how i like to hang the word detest next to you!), chloe, trevor, esther.god must have placed you gems in my life, and you all were the best i could ever hope for. brought out the best in me in each of your own unique ways. its a pity we are scattered between continents now, but distance brings the chumship closer. our frat rules!

i dont know how long this post might be up for, but my sincere thanks to the individuals below, for in one way or another making 2002 an awesome year. falls were cushioned, time was spent, days past with you all, even if it wasnt in person, at least you know that you have always been in my thoughts.

andi sarjono, chloe kamarrudin,nicholaus kamarrudin,nigel leonardi, trevor lee, kim jae

peace to the world as we past the holy night and remember the 12days of christmas.

this is my soapy tale before christmas. and i wish my new year to be less traumatic as 2002!
i didnt see why You place certain individuals into my life. to mess. upset. and create havoc in this haven i used to live. the playground i used to burrow around has dangers lurking everywhere. and the pains and hurts some cause, wasnt accompanied by a mere apology. maybe i shouldnt blame You, maybe i was befriendling the devil, leading my own herd into the dungeons. maybe i was.

i didnt see why You took certain individuals away from me. carelessly, you scooped them from the surface of earth into the earth within, but it soothes my spirits knowing that they are there with you, overlooking me. i always come up with these tonnes of christmas wishes, which sadly, few surfaced. maybe they were alittle over the top. i guess so.

i am contemplating at this moment if i should name names. cos metaphors are turning tiresome. i toss the past and the trangressions into the grave.
certain luggage i cant pack and toss behind. i have to get them down, in black and white. they serve as a remembrance, as a warning to not head the old path again, which leads to the dark forests, where wolves and lions roam.

i promise. this is the last curse that i will ever spew from my fiery mouth.
any living thing with a soul, heart and breathes should never be treated as a toy. even animals are called pets, or stocks. not toys.
boys should grow out of toying at the age of 18. i abhor boys that toy around. God bless the toys, the toyed. And do what You deem with the toyings.

wrong anticipations
september 11, if i can, use as a start for this seemingly lengthy reflection, made me aticipate all the wrong stuffs.
i thought that with that massive gruesome scene at ground zero and the horrendous deeds of the radicals,
we can bid farewell to scenes of bombings, of terrorism, of fear, of in limbo, of the indidvidual having zilch control over the world out there.
boy was i wrong, not before long, i caught Sum of All Fears, the entire Baltimore was blew up!
and we had the other intense drama serious which grippled the hearts of many americans and overseas viewers, 24.
the next season of 24 will showcase, yea, a terrorist attack on LA.
moving on to music, who needs to be told to listen up on the latest news in his latest songs?
this white kid aka eminem seems like he burrowed thru bushie's thoughts and actions
and J.Lo comes along, with her latest, jenny from the block, exclaiming to the entire world bout how she's still the same
after a few failed marriages, and giving the viewer eye candy on her latest squeeze, Ben Affleck.
to ease things alittle, we have Crossing Over with John Edward & Sixth Sense, to assure us that our loss ones are always close by and watching over us..
reality TV like Big Brother and the Bachelor up the bitchiness and feeds the slut in everyone of us
we bet our last dollar on the sole survivor, and laugh & cry along with some of the housemates
Lord of the Rings, another big winner, behind the cute hobbits, is the story of war,
of mass destruction, of graves, brought about by weapons of mass destruction
i made the wrong predictions, i guess Pop kulture havent really left us,
all of us possess this insatiable need for it
and hollywood is always ready to offer us a deal on that.
with war coming or leaving, bitches still rule!
* i am churning into a cranky baby. should seriously step alittle away from technology. i am going to bed with peter sheridan tonight! (dumb, he's the writer of 44!)

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now shuddup n give the damsel some rest. i wouldnt plunge down my apartment. (cos the window openings too small!)
i promise. look at the damn time! i m in the southern hemisphere. and panda's arent really well-recieved here! i need zZZZZzz

snap.
lets just call it a wrap.

some dumb bloke asked me
"why shldnt humans eat animals since lions eat deers, birds eat worms ...etc"
lets get things right: i have nuthin against anyone that consume animals.
and yea. the food cycle and food chain tells of animals eating animals, the carnivorous kinds. and i reckon, the cycle allows the animals to sustain life and death. Most of the animals who kill for food could not survive if they didn’t. That is not the case for us. We are better off not eating meat. Many other animals are vegetarians, including some of our closest primate relatives. Why don’t we look to them as our example instead of to carnivores? And the farmer wouldnt cramp chickens or turkeys in tight disgusting enclosures and pray each day that his hens would grow to be fat and chubby, for the snake to munch on?
its the entire human mentality that all celebration has to be with some animal sacrificial involved.
i need to sleep.
*goodnight world. goodnight and goodbye to many turkeys.

still alive.
protege standing by.
puppets say bye.

the last thing i wanna hear when clubbing
is osama's still alive.
darn. gimme a break!
the other clique was yanking
wats with saddem and his berets.
i totally got ruddy disgusted by the indonesian bombers
talking on the bloody mobile?
cheering by the crowd?
smoking a ciggie?
chuckling like a movie star?
not a least amount of shame
or even sympathy for their beastly deeds.
get a life! you made many lose theirs.

it was always implied
never declared
and i have been the most unwise
to jump to my conclusions
concocted a bad cocktail
which i savored with such relish
to taste the bitterness only towards the end
i swallowed the solution somehow
purging doesnt come easily
but mockery i deserve
for repeating the recipe once again
once bitten twice foolish and absolutely unwise
i reckon i should
pour the envisaged liquid
over my bare hands
burns. scars. marks.
hopefully they will deter myself from
even reaching for that recipe
the cocktail we call
the implications of hurt.
*contrieved & in need of chiding-chef crumbled

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away
Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
*remembering Andi once more. you used to pave my way to christmas and end it with such fervour.

the winds have gently brushed the ground
dried leaves, lies, truths, desires all stirred alittle
dust they got in my eyes
but i need no one to blow them out
cos the eyes have turned red
cos the eyes have witnessed the truths
the eyes have seen for themselves
all that needs to be seen.
no more
no more truth that meets the eye
we are not in the same place after all
maybe we havent even been before
the moment keeps on happening
my heart swings like a pendulum
my heart falls mute
and i see you
still at the wrong side of the fault.
hopefully sleep eases the disaster.
goodnight, the good, the evil, and the average.

i made a blunder.
and its gonna cost me alot more.
than i anticipated.
damnit.fuck!
booze and nuts are the only
temporary pain relief
maybe till someone comes along
and spots me
i might be the stray you see
past the streets

sometimes, its never too late
never too late
to find the child i used to be
and i know
its not too late
never too late

sometimes its never too late
never too late to throw in the towel
never too late to call it quits

it hurts me to dissipate the news
my hands tear when i throw in the towel
my heart shatters when i break the silence
maybe things didnt end prematurely the last time
but still
its never too late
to realise that i made a wrong turn in life
once again.
fairy tales, white lies, empty promises
a bed of lies
myabe its just that our takes of words are different
maybe we have been using different dictionaries
different visionaries
but its never too late
to realise that.

i used to think
that life was beautiful
but at times, you tarred it alittle
its never too late for me to realise.
you are the culprit.
the angels of good and bad in my mind.
fathoms of every kind.
you planted in me.
and i am making a decision soon.
this time around,
fuck pragmatics
fuck culture
fuck ethics
i am making decisions for myself.
myself of legal age.
myself of sound mind.
dont you dare come near
to sound me out.
dont you even come near.

i have decided.
not to open any AOL messagers from anyone
no need for any dodgy or dubious background checks
cos AOL is so scam-ish, sex-selling, porn-ish
i fully comprehend why my opposite sex fraternity is so
AOL-friendly ... so AIM wanna-haves
i think the program's not gonna have a long life span on my com.
*darn .. cindy7726,anna2231,tits69,peekaboo .... are flashing
sorry gals, i am straight, and i smell of ciggies and i need a shower!
get a life, being 18 doesnt mean you can bare your tits
i do know some of you are struggling
forced into the trade and such
and pardon my social gaffe if you fall into that category
but i still reckon hands are more useful in making money
not bearing tits n pussies.
brand me a bitter slut.
if ur disturbed, leave the trade fellas.
*my grumbles n rambles again, cos i peeked at bushie's diary, and WAR to IRAQ was in his to-do list the whole of Dec02-March03, decided i betta save my saliva, and stop worrying about worrying.
* i need the shower. ciao belle bambinos.

foes and chums know
i shudder on techno
but scooters remarkable
crowd wowed
critcs awed
had my limbs groovin'
bones crackin'
all for a good cause
thanks for all.

i dismiss all claims of me being an attention seeking slut
i mean, who the hell reads these blogs of mine
alright, at least who returns persistently on a regular basis
to browse
few. but i still appreciate your presence.
anyway, there are times when i pour my heart and soul out here.
and i believe my delivery and execution of the language
doesnt allow many to prize through my deepest voices within me

looking back at the year 2002
its been quite a ride
a thrill. another visit to the theme park.
morose. ups and downs. elated. delirious. peppered with alittle fear.
alittle fear has grown into a knowing
a knowing that the clock ticks, people move on, the sun still sets
even though the smells of armies stink
even though the speeches of leaders rots
we still plod through life.
i did with heavier burdens. gentler steps.
i breathe with fear. i pray with expectations
of a peaceful year ahead
but it seems, my bubbles' bursting
paving the path to the season to be jolly
are talks of warfare
did nostradamus anticipated any of these
i dont fancy reading the ending
i am glad i was a character
and i am gonna play this bloody role well.
till the Director says cut.

i may sound alittle inapt at this.
but micheal jackson looks more like michelle jackson
on his latest la-queen pre christmas speech
yea. there are kids out there to feed.
yea. christmas is about giving.
but watchin you dressed and dolled, in white
resembled more like a Ku Klux Klan recruitment drive
recaptulating the scenes
sends a cold rush down my spine
i shudder in fear
and i arent even picking up your
toss-a-baby-outta-hotelroom episode
something's not right, something's burning
the poor have their needs
the rich have their insatiable wants
its much better being the average

didnt war ceased for a day when it was christmas? it seems we are threading closer to the battle front.
maybe a war is inevitable. maybe.
"mommy, why do they drop bomb on julie? she was only dancin in the club?
"mommy, is it okay if i havent cried with julie's demise?
"daddy, why is the president angry with the guy with moustache?
"daddy, didnt you say, sorry always saves the day?
"nana, can you turn the telly off?
"nana, theres nothing but fire, bloodsheds and bombings
i saw two boys cry, in fear
the news was too devastating for their little frail hearts
little children, dry your tears
i know your fears
the world's alittle queer
when we grow old
when presidents die
the world will get better
cos you will show the way
little children
pick up nothing from the streets
follow what your heart speaks
with compassion, love & forgiveness
we can live in love and peace
*peace

i m soooo peeved.
met two airheads today. darn.
all the chips in coles contained beef tallow
the satay sauce i bought had shrimp paste
darn. i sense sick days ahead.
god bless your child.
bless the 2 airheads too, grant them a brain.
a small one would do good too.
thanks Lord.

the record's playing
it seems the same songs repeating
i keep listening on
trying to make out the mystery within
trying to make out the facts unseen
i found nothing
i cupped my ears
denial. sweet denial.

pawning time.
pawing secrets.
but still i searched for nothing.
maybe its all futile
the boisterous laughters
drifted with the winds
and soon the sweet fragrance
was so captivating
it didnt take too long
to find us both
doing the thing.
its strange how you keep returning to
something you so wanna run away from
maybe my stamina's taken a turn
maybe my resistance levels have taken a dip
when we lock lips.

a typical blog much sought after by buggers:
woke up. felt less feverish. *i swear i wouldnt touch chicken. ever again. unless my social needs requires me to!
was a friggin hot day, ventured outdoors as usual. you cant tame a monkey can you?!
i was running in princes park as usual. silly me thought i saw lions in a zoo van. hey! the park's close to melbourne zoo alright! anyway, they turned out to be huge dogs. what a letdown! hah*
i miss my monchichi.
i want to resurrect my monchichi.
i wanna see my monchichi, this very minute, this very moment.
how the hell can they categorise monchichis as yestertoys!darn!
you had a small tee. striped. with your name tagged in the middle.
i used to wash that tee, faithfully, every week, with my bare hands,
till smurfs came along. foolishly, i chucked you aside.
but once awhile, i opened my toys shelf, and i seek solace in you.
when i get reprimanded, get yelled at, or bullied
cos your ears are big enough,
you never complained, never said i was naggy
always lending your good listening ears.
i trashed smurfs, came the carebears.
but they didnt last long.
i guess, at the end of it all, i came back to you.
i embraced you. even when i was 18.
i never liked things of japanese background.
you were the exception. oh well, you sort of originated from the US.

i guess the way i find my way around toys
marks the way i find my way around chums
some friendships have failed, cos individuals make wrong decisions.
easier said than done. isnt a friend someone that forgives.
that turns a blind eye when the other does wrong?
you might be profaning,
disappointed, hopeless,
but i arent feeling nothing
i feel the pinch
the pinch that for you
friendship is just a one sided affair
about gains, wants and desires
its more than just that.
foolish you.
*cranking crumbled

christmas wishes as at 19DEC2002
#1 santa to dress in orange & green! groovy*
#2 saddem and bush to bury the hatchet
#3 meanie howie to have a mind of his own. try at least mate!
#4 world peace?!
#5 stop profaning the world friendship. friends come, pass and some die. memories serve as delectable treats.
#6 more vegan menu in restaurants.
#7 work. better pay. cuter mates. groovy boss. *fab mix!
#8 material needs: zero needs, many wants! (darn)
sponser a child in third world countries
#9 sever ties with caffeine?!
#10 clock more clicks on runs
list gets updated every few days.watch for this space.

i love the way men can just be oblivious to one another.
the way they simply brush annoying chance meetings aside
the way they pepper their speech with grins and laughters
in hope of dismissing the awkwardness thats greeting them
if women were in such a situation
i bet we would be bitching around
exchanging and utilising our endless capacity of profanity
sometimes i wonder if thats how huge the male ego is
its ability to swallow certain situations
just simple amazes me. awed.
i was and still am.
*flabbergasted crumbled

i seriously love to read signs when i am travelling.
especially in countries where the english language
is not the nation's first language.
mockery i arent.
understanding, appreciating the uniqueness i am.
"To take notice of safe; the slippery are very crafty"
"Little grass is smiling slightly, please walk on pavement."
these are from Beijing
it doesnt take long for me to digest the true meanings
its english peppered with a local flavor
it caters to my taste buds
it adds a grin to my face
gentle giggles to my heart within
but i still hate singlish
i know its supposed to be the national language yadayadayada
but i dont find puntuating speeches with lah leh lor
which are hopelessly interchangible
the least amusing
my nana and yeye didnt speak with that crap
and i dont endeavour too.
a play of words. thats what i call boogie!
not pollution.
*views are solely of the writer.if indigestion occurs, click the close button and try to purge content out from the mind.

my load downs on the quirky world out there
an entree to my morbid thoughts on life
digest well before the main is served.

have you heard what the israli scientists are up to?
not the weapons of mass destruction, at least not this group of scientists
they are comin up with featherless chickens
less fatty, faster growing but still i reckon
bad for overall well being.

have you heard what the dutch are up to?
in the hague
they are offering pigs vibrators
christ!
pigs dont jus fly these days eh.

have you heard what dutch cats are up to?
in a desperate attempt to find its owner
the smart pussy cried over the mosque's loudspeakers
the owner recognised the meows
and located the pussy hours later

naked farmers in Kathmandu
in hope of bringing rain to the fields
and the rain really poured soon after
maybe our aussie counterparts should follow suit

yea. told you guys i would ace this quiz!
*darn .. had to change and retake this quiz like 50X before i got this final results. *heh

Are you racist?

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tell me if i should be elated or in deep sorrows bout tis ..... ....
thanks trev for tis lil nonsense once again
i m indeed feelin alittle under the darn weather
i swear i m gonna stay indoors under the spinning fan tmr
game over!
*feverish burnt crumbled toast

How ASIAN are you?

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how do you know if you have gone all gaga over somebody. its when your first and last thoughts, encircle around that individual. its when you wished that person was with you 24seven, watching you, peering across the room, stealing glances at you. its when you turn all numb, unlike the usual you. its when you wished you had a leash, where you could tie that individual up and just force him to follow you whereever you go, whatever you do. a shadow.how odd. after your wishes have come true, you wished your significant other would stand alittle further back, the gentle stealing of glances morphs into intruding of privacy and rights. thats women. thats how we are. how we operate. the instruction manual's not comprehensive enough. cos we are the worst machinery ever, when we fail to operate.i brand myself as a 21st century, cool headed, justifiable lady, but i do fall into horrible spells.and time after time, i look back and realised how absurb, mean and insane i have been. but the cycle still continues. the wheel keeps spinning, the vicious cycle goes on and on.i reckon its one of those things, that takes a mean amount of understanding and an even greater amount of patience.when you decide you truly love and adore someone, you take the vase with the cracks, you take the clock with the faulty second hand, you take the puppy thats walking with a limp. you love the person for what she has, what she does, the uncalled-for tiffs, the absurb wants and desires. i do realise some of the stuffs i said are very much easier typed than done. but isnt the day when you approached her, when you heard her close breathing, when your lips touch, the exchange of sweet nothings, the day you choose to accept this complicated opposite sex as your gal.certainly, you know your heart best, if your heart's giving you the signal, and you find every encounter a disaster. i guess love has taken a turn. and its all up to you, the choices you make, the paths you choose. cos the two hearts that are in question are hers and yours. i arent gonna say anything suggestive, i arent even speaking. i am just penning this down cos it touched my blogging spirit. do know that memories are sometimes the best gifts one can keep. *sadly inspired by two pals endless chantings bout one another

i love writing for many reasons. writing calms me down. writing soothes the abrasions of life. writing enables me to stand back, take a look at whats going on, it reorganises my thoughts. it makes me discern situations and intentions. A writer know no boundaries. A writer can write anywhere, anytime, anyhow. No one cares, cos if they do, they can always deem not to read. I admit, I get pretty moulded by what others pen. but isnt that part and parcel of writing and reading. you write, others read. Needs and benefits. I adore reading. in as much as i adore writing. i love the opportunity to write without care, without watchful eyes. i dont do the usual blog. i ramble sometimes, nimble alittle at life's ups and downs, mumble and crumble at day 2 day affairs, like no other. i dont give a damn who pops by. who reads. cos seriously, i m what you read. i am many atimes indigestable. many atimes my writings are incomprehensivable. cos they are so close to my heart, those who truly getit are those whose hearts beat at the same rhythm and rate as mine.

i saw a plastic bag fly today. a green bag floating in the blue skies. the skies for a moment resembled azure waters.
i never thought a bag could go so high. so far. so long.
i used to fly kites. they never went as high, as the bag today.
maybe its the string thats restraining its movements.
maybe its the winds that are preventing it from soaring.
like our dreams. we never know how far we can go.
till we see someone, weaker than us, move further up.
i see, threads pulling you to the ground.
i see, weights weighing you down, as if the pull of gravity arent enough
i think, its time you pulled urself together
i think, its time you pick up the scissors
and release yourself from the threads
threads that stand in the way
between you and the green bag.
the bag was never designed for flight
a kite was
but the engineered kite
failed cos the kite thought and pondered
alittle too much.
*i see green bags not green backs.

dear chums and mankind:
maybe i have been the most unkind
maybe i have been looking too high
expectation the highest kind
its human nature that takes us to the brink of barbarism
looking back at our forefathers
i have to say, chums, we have progressed
alittle kinder, alittle more sympathetic
our morals circle
sports a larger radius
sports a larger diameter
as compared to our forefathers
maybe it all sinks down to human nature
maybe we are all finding ways to justify our ways
by comparing our activities with barbarians
are we?
i know its a chore
to hear my ramblings
bout the poor, the sick
when where we are
we have to struggle to lay sight of them
maybe i have gone a mile off the mark
maybe i should concentrate on things in my radius of scope
maybe i should cast my eyes on the better luxuries of life
spas, massages, cars, mansions on hills
whats the latest mobile phone may i ask?
7210, 8910 are those figures of the poor.
its just me. i dont understand. whys everyone chasing trends.
trends rise sink and die.
people born, hunger and die.
yet we choose the former.
to adore, fantasize and doll.
i am a techno geek too
i am using a wireless keyboard and mouse
i have an electric toothbrush
i have an 8210
i arent saying that we should put on the sackcloth
sell our wares
move our arses to somalia
but all i need from you
is an acknowledgement
that you do understand
a sympathetic feel
all that i desire of you
is for you to open your eyes
to our relatives, friends and chums
the poor,starved, sick
and its thoughts like these i wake up to each morning
and i thank god for who i am, what i do, what i am about to do
and i keep the others in my heart
knowing their existence
makes me thread the path in a different manner
i arent morbid. gloomy. or pondering over the useless.
i am appreciating the finer and coarser things in life.

i m really sick.
the ill kinda sick
i dont know if there's a name for this syndrome
maybe
GenderDifferentiationDeliriumTremens
GenderDifferentis or
NeuroticGenderMixtis or
sounds medic enough righto
first it was harry potter resembling a gal
now its wang lee hom resembling another gal
thanks dawny for the fantastic::well thought thru::eye & ear kandy present!
adored it heaps! ;)
oh back to my GDDT-syndrome
yea. the cover pic of mr wang resembles one of my frds, a gal.
seriously. i shldnt name names.
but she's related to the famed.
seriously. he looks like her.
darn. i need a medic checkup.
*confused crumbled

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

you can weigh me down
but as i look upon him
i have the strength
the strength from within
to pick u up
to lift ur spirits
you may feel like a tonne
but to me
you are a feather
not at all a bother
never a bother, just a good old
brother

havent taken quizzes for awhile
tout i might just give tis a try
hmmm ... i dont quite agree!?!
me intense?!!?! %!&@%&~%@&~&!

You are a very intense person. Most people find you hard to understand but those who know you well love you to bits. Which Blogging Tool Are You?

*chilled crumbled toast: stores away for at least 3mths in the freezer compartment, fungi-less.mouldy-free.

darn.
why do i keep bumping into my
disaster neighbour
and his sonorous gal
whenever i leave my frigg'in house?!
*just one of my few ramblings.
patience the key.
i am still on cloud 9

gimme the first word you think of when these words crop up:
[crumbled]::
fire bush
water shortage
gay queer
milk bottle
baby cute

[nicholaus]
fire bad
water bad
gay mmm
milk mmm
baby bad

[trevor]
fire engine
water bottle
gay yucks
milk cow
baby britney

[chloe]
fire man mmmm
water evian
gay mardi gras
milk maid
baby fuck!
these are the tabulated results dude & dudettes
i seriously shld search for betta frds
with a higher vocabulary count
or at least some decency in answers
*cheers! just 4 laughs .. everyone's a winner when crumbled's the judge! nitez world!

expectations
no, you expected nothing from me
you only hoped the best from me
sometimes i dashed thru em

you said i dont see
i only look
and i had to change
but i didnt even hear

disappointing
i said i was to you
but just that acknowledgement
you said
show my values

victim once more of my speech
survivor once again from my rambles
winner of my admiration
thats you
truly you
*sorry for the fiasco: crumbled

one life.
few opportunities.
two hands.
dreams a many.
two feet.
lands a plenty.
two eyes.
a thousand plateaus.
is that you gasping
is that you running breathless
is that you dreaming
is that the devil bursting your bubble
run. chase dreams.
make love. work your brains.
lose your sleep. change lives.
shake the world.
cause very soon
you find your limbs locked
and encased in a wooden box
pushed into an inferno
thats when
you rest. for good. in peace.
for now.
rest for the bumpy ride ahead.
blisters, scratches, fractures
are just the mere signs of taking the path
less travelled.
*crumbled has 1 mouth & 2 ears for a reason. ponder on!

look whos into blogging?!
our dearie meanie howie Johny Howard!
check him out!
let the man speak for himself
hear him out
try to fit urself in the meanie's shoes
*savor crap while we r young

"Australia faces a potential diplomatic showdown with its closest ally in South-East Asia after Singapore prosecutors confirmed yesterday that they would press for the death penalty for an Australian citizen accused of attempting to smuggle heroin aboard a flight to Melbourne last Thursday.
The authorities rarely publicise executions, but dozens of people a year are believed to be hanged in Singapore, mostly for drug crimes."

anyone for or against this ruling
flashbacks
i knew this family of drug lords
oh well, maybe not lords
but they were alittle notorious
in my district of cos
nana has also told me to steer clear
she looked like a typical auntie next door
permed hair
tattooed brows
whatelse? those were the in-thing in auntie fashion in singapore
flamboyant colours and prints on her shirt
she was always around
doing her thing
chatting in coffee shops, once awhile stealing a glance at me
when i pop into the shop to get ciggies for my uncle
i always walked pass her with fear and alittle bewilderment
it takes a mean amount of guts and gusto to be involved in such a trade
one fine morning
i didnt see her in the coffeeshop
oh well, maybe she decided to sleep in
when i got back from school
wanting to get more ciggies
i still didnt she her
2 days later
i found out she was inprisoned
1 week later
i saw her at the coffeshop again
this time, solemn and deeply in thoughts
nana said her son took the rap for her
he would be history in a couple of months time
i dont know why i decided to blog this down
its merely flash backs of memories
but i did cherish my childhood
thanks to all who contributed
the cockerel-style drug lord, the bloated tummy uncle, the old lady from the tailor shop, her retarded son who cycles, the motorbike repair guys all greasy and oily, allan-who showed me heaps of stuffs, allans' brothers, the trash collecter from next door, panjang from the coffe shop- missed his coffee heaps, the won-ton noodles guy, the prawn noodles guy, the char kway teow uncle, the lady from the temple, the auntie who set up her own gambling chain, of cos my nana and ye-ye, my gu-poh. just jotting the names down sort of brings back fond memories. though you may not be literate, but do know that you guys have a special place in my heart.

accelerate accelerate
that what i cant relate
the worlds moving at such a rate
i hate
streets are filled with the blind
the lame and the deaf
sometimes i play dumb
play lame
play blind
play mute
but today i am myself
the gal
some hate
some love
many loathe
for what i believe
for what i do
for who i have been
its been a long walk
been thru different streets
avenues
lanes
passed many people by
some said hi
and soon enough bye
sometimes we curse
sometimes we hug
sometimes we make love
under the starry nights
i am the make up
of some individuals i hang around
i remembered someone telling me
to have good and bad company
cos a balance is what we are after
and a balance is what makes us fall
unbalancing is an art
your advances brings a smile
a grin
at times laughters
when u are the nutty you
*goodnight world. lift ur eyes to adore His Creation once awhile.

insipid
inane
infantile
alittle insane
i flip the papers from back to cover
i read my books the last page first
if i die before i finish
at least i arent in doubt bout the ending

checked my grades today
was it friday the 13th
oh holly molly it is
how true are those grades
reflections of my abilities creativity and
inate talents
trash grades.
hear me out well
an artist never fails; but its a success to be one
and i endeavour to the best of my abilities
to be one
i owe my grandpa too much
way too much
but i am glad
he picked up the carving knife
played the role of the potter
when i was the clay
and moulded some really extraordinary flair in me
i love & miss you heaps, ye-ye.
* to those freaked out souls, i did okay. save on the IDDs.

now tell me
what is socially acceptable
am i to
deem my actions right or wrong
by their sight, by your sight
they were never by my side
by my sight they were

the actions so many imply
the words so many impress
and i turn to see
you idling
a wasted day in your life
is more than a crime

can i say wait a minute
and hear me out
no one listens on the streets
we plod on in the endless chase
all confident that we know where we are headed
foolish us
we made a mess of the canvas we were
the canvas's filthy
the canvas's stinking
the canvas's old
but its still better late than
never.

i stumbled i fell
i smoked i drank
i lost big time
havent i said
its all a gamble
i am a loser
a happy loser
and the scars are illustrations
for the tales i tell
of my sinful ways
but my talent
i use for good
never evil
i only bring hurt to myself
at times
never to foes pals and mates
assuringly i say

"Australia's superannuation system is overtaxed, overcomplicated, inequitable and in need of an overhaul, a parliamentary inquiry has found."
finally some retired guys close to senator Coonan have realised that
having baked beans and potatoes everyday
is a chore

and now what?
"Melbourne commuters will pay more for public transport tickets in the new year at the same time as they suffer a temporary cut back in services."
what else can we expect after the elections eh.
i shall cease to ire in the WWW.

*hopelessly trying to stay calm crumbled

i swear
during the entire 2hr or so run of
harry potter & the chamber of secrets
i had to remind myself
that harry is a male
too traumatising a show for me
cos i know of a future architect
that could jolly well make it big in
hollywood or
hogwarts.
*lost crumbled toast (female, she, her)

An Australian Love Poem

Who said us Aussies weren't romantic!!

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as I
Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer!

*thanks bundy chick for tis! just for laughs eh.

i am attuned to my roots alright?!
at least i speak fluently in a language
that might be lost pretty soon
please dont give priority to
ballet
piano
art
or whatever damn talent your kid has to have
before even knowing his dialect
the poor kid would be mis[placed]!
as for me, i am a 100% proud hakka

The Hakkas are a unique ethnic group of "Han" Chinese originally active around the Yellow River area. They are thought to be one of the earliest "Han" settlers in China. One theory has it that many of the early Hakkas were affiliated with the "royal bloods". The truth may be more complicated than that. It is highly likely that while Hakka may be a stronghold of Han culture, Hakka people also have married other ethnic groups and adopted their cultures during the long migration history of 2000 years. Due to the infusion of other ethnic groups from the northwest, north and northeast, these original settlers gradually migrated south and settled in Jiangxi, Fujian, and Guangdong. They were called Hakka by the locals when they first settled in. This term has been used since by non-Hakka and Hakka people, and in international publications. The spelling "Hakka" is derived from the pronunciation in Hakka dialect ( pronounced as "haagga" in Hakka and "kejia" in Mandarin).

During the last hundred years or so, Hakka people migrated to South East Asia, East Africa, Europe (Holland, United Kingdom, France, Germany..), South America (Brazil, Trinidad...) Canada, US. About 7% of the 1.2 billion Chinese clearly state their Hakka origin or heritage. However, the actual number may be more as many Hakka Han who settled along the path of migration assimilate with the local people. The Hakka identity is gradually lost.

Hakka people are noted for their preservation of certain cultural characteristics that could be traced to pre-Qin period (about 2200 years ago) as expressed in the custom, foods, spoken language, etc.

Hakka people are also known to be very adamant in defending their cultural heritage, which was the reason for their migration to flee from the "northern" influence at that time.

As a late comer to places initially occupied by locals, Hakkas usually had to struggle and survive on the less desirable lands. Thus, Hakka people are well-known for their perseverance even in the most adverse environment.

Among all the Chinese people, Hakkas are among the most conservative in keeping the traditions. Yet, many are willing to take risks and seek new opportunities elsewhere to establish themselves. The migratory tradition results in the distribution of Hakka in the most remote part of the world. An anecdote has it that the north-most restaurant in the world close to the Arctic is in fact a Chinese restaurant run by a Hakka. :)

The Hakka people, paradoxically conservative and endeavoring, hard-working and enduring, is reflective of the spirit of Chinese culture.

more importantly:
All people are migrants on this earth, in time and space.
There is but one race - the human race.
Knowing our root is to better understand and respect other people's roots.
Preserve our cultural heritage to promote diversity not hegemony

*peace to earth as His Season nears
crumbled

sit stand look
why are our limbs
always perched either on the
couch
our partners
or the bed
how much does it cost
how long does it take
how many will be needed
to awaken the senses
to increase the awareness
to spur the spirits
bout things we so bloody dun give a damn about

poverty. aids. war. terrorism. ghettos. child slavery. human rights. gender discrimination. prison screw ups.
the list goes on.

i admit. i have at times been pondered by the mere unimportant pains in life.
friendships. relationships. ships. they dock and set off. for distant lands.
do they even return to the places they once docked.
my take. treat them as they dun.
cos we like to take so many things for granted
knowing that someone or something will return
will cease us from developing a greater relationship

i know that i am a limited being.
i have been leading an easy life.
my feet's perpetually perched on my couch
i live on the 7 storey
overlooking the city and skyscrapers
i have to stretch
to see the cemetry
i have to stretch
to see the mass housing
i have to stretch
to see the poor black kids
playing with the blacks
i have to stretch
to see the old lady
all alone, picking cans in the morning
i have to stretch
to see the black kid pinching your wallet
i have to stretch my limbs
to see things i dont usually see in my comfortable position

so what if i seen it all.
so what if i even see at all.
mortified.
terrified.
at how much one can do.
how much one doesnt do.
how true is it that your birth place determines your destiny
how true is it that your family determines your destiny
how true is it that skin color plays a vital role

we have been blinded
by the earth
where we perch our feet
precariously

the circular globe
doesnt allow one to see much of other continents
the circular globe
calls for us to take the path less travelled
the circular globe
calls for us to stretch
and not shun
our relatives.
they may be black. with bloated stomachs. with flies hovering around them.
they may be white. with multiple injection marks.
they may be yellow. with stained tabacco teeth.
but they still exist
and all they need is some sensitivity
some love. some care. concern.
not always money.

money. those clenched stacks of papers.
multiple. in their eyes.
buy a goat for a family, not novelty boxers
buy a cow for a family, not more decorations for your house
buy seedlings for a family, not more jewellery
build a new proper house for a family
not the latest nokia that snaps glossy pics
of a shamelessly selfish life we lead.

have i been an activist for
altrusim

* a vegan diet causes less suffering than a diet centered around animal products.
* animals are sentient creatures with their own wills, and it seems wrong to force our will onto another creature just because we're able to.
* a great deal of medical evidence points to the fact that a diet centered around animal products is terrible for you. Animal product based diets have been repeatedly proven to cause and exacerbate cancer, heart disease, obesity, impotence, diabetes, etc.
* vegan diet is materially more efficient than an animal product based diet. By that I mean that you can feed lots more people with grain directly than by feeding that grain to a cow and then killing the cow. In a world where people are starving it seems criminal to fatten up cows with grain that could be keeping people alive.
*the raising of farm animals is environmentally disastrous. All of the waste from animal farming gets washed into our water supply, poisoning our drinking water and fouling our lakes, streams, and oceans.
*vegan food is nice to look at. Compare a plate with grains and fruits and vegetables to a plate with pigs' intestines, chicken legs, and chopped up cows' muscles.

i m going vegan. just slowly does it. period.

its been awhile
been awhile since i last heard from you
been awhile since i last fondled your nose
been awhile since i last carassed you

its been sometime
been sometime since we last spoken
been sometime since you even appeared
in my bubble

a gamble. thats what i am taking.
a tumble. thats what i am into.
falling. thats kinda of i am doing.
fallen. thats what i am.
i would never have expected myself heading
back to somewhere where i started out
i used to think that its futile
returning back to somewhere you started out
cos whatever's worth taking
has been taken
whatever's worth remembering
has been remembered
and reminescenses and memories
are to be cherished and locked away

guess i am down to
my last cry
hopefully you wouldnt need me
to leave all the past behind

seeing those back to backs
hands clasped tightly
lips close to interlocking

seeing those flash back times
hearing those flash back music
its flash back kulture
groovy chick

flashes by and bye
my sight has failed me
my senses have lost all sensitivity
i am nothing
but a machine
that whizzes by
and bye.

we
what encompasses we
us
who are us
you
am i you
how you am i
i find myself
struggling
to not make a gaffe
out of you me and us

i want to tell the story
bout the band that i sport
on my wrist
but i am loss with words
maybe i am better with graphics
cos words are sometimes
inadequate to paint
you.

i recieved a parcel this morning
a really early christmas gift
i opened the gift in the pawnshop
the owner mocked bout the worthless item
i opened the gift in the open squares
the pigeons didnt even come near
cos it was inedible
i opened the gift in the CBD
no one looked on
cos the bull chase is more important
i opened the gift in my quiet room
and priceless moments flashed by
making living so much more worthy
cos i know you are taking care of things
next door.

dear bystanders:
i guess you lot have talked enough
crapped enough
paid too much lip service
have often have we
blabbered off stuff we hope we could retract
spouted nonsense we hope we could swallow
created misunderstandings we hope we could undo
i hope you wont take too long
a time to walk the talk
as the world evolves and rotates
as the sun rises and sets
as the word gets around
i dont reckon
i can
stand and sit around
and be a bystander
you can do your bit bout the tragedy-striken world
you can do your bit bout the poverty-striken world
you can get something going
if only you would endeavour to do so
angelina jolie's journal is a good read
bout her encounters with the 'gees.
step out from your comfort zone
and get awed by the world out there
*i cant shut my eyes from seeing things not meant to be seen
*though my nerves feel no pain cos i am the watcher
*but my heart groans in agony
*my heartbeats rhymes with your cries
*my tears trickle with your sonorous screams
love & peace to earth
::morosed crumbled toast

looking into the mirror
i see nothing new
eyes encased in the sockets
mouth's in place
ears intact
looking into your mirror
i see wrinkles and creases
crumbling
have i told you
behind my smile
behind my laughter
behind my hyena sounding screeches
is a solemn being
have i told you
how i enjoy people watching
how i get digusted
at times provoked
many times impressed
by what others are doing
these days it seems
like the streets have their street signs
written in a foreign language
the clock is moving anticlockwise
the cars are crawling
babies are running
adults are hopping
aged are skipping
i guess i am alittle
bereaved

it was disturbing
i saw gore grim and all things
grostesque
it was mind shuttering
i saw the place i love
tainted with bloodstains
it was spine tickling
i saw the place i love
polluted with sirens of police cars
surrounded by curious mobs
2 corpses pulled out
with their feet skinned
exposing the bare flesh
humans at our most helpless moments
for a second
it felt like me
and 2 corpses
in the place i love.
i remember some dreams i encounter at night
and some are worth mentioning and remembering
cos you never know
when something similar crops up
and you cant fight the fact that
you had envisioned it some time ago
but for this one
i had it penned down
cos i never wish to see the place i love
be tainted like, in my dream
or i should say
nightmare