i am here, and there is nothing to say . if among you are those who wish to get somewhere , let them leave at any moment . what we re-quire is is silence , but what silence requires
is that i go on talking.
given any one thought a push : it falls down easily ; but the pusher and the pushed
pro-duce that entertainment called a dis-cussion.
the lecture on nothing,john cage

leo.thanks for those showers of believe.
kam. thanks for those drumming of strength.
chl.thanks for those strings of thoughts.
nan.thanks for always overseeing never watching.

this morning. i woke up. listening to the music of summer.
this evening. i sipped my coffee. smelling the scent of my lover.
this chilly night. i ponder. the power of my senses.

i am thinking of .. .. ..

peace+

are there really 24hours in a day
i say no.
there are as many hours in the day as you put into it.

are there really problems to be solved.
i say no.
there are only challenges to be mounted on.

are you really graduating.
i say no.
one only becomes more and more of a student.

lets forget the physical
lets pay attention to the relationships between them
how true.
the only way to find something is to not look for it.

+peace+love+hope+

how many letters get posted.
how many more get lost.
how many letters get typed.
how many more get stringed.
to form words. then sentences.
finally stories. and maybe memories.

how many postmen are at work.
how many more folks in anticipation of them
how strange the feel, how pain the lost
of missing the postmarked

how many mailboxes
how many letters
how many parcels
how many words squeezed into one
how deep the emotions
pressurised into one
how strange my loss
is causing this distraught
when you say
return to sender.

the plot forms, with this relentless string of thoughts.
and now you wanna play the protagonist?

+peace+

some live life, safe. those uncalculated risks are not for the tame. any wrong moves, it leaves one lame.
some breathe life, more. some savoir life, less. some stay to be the saint. the unblamed.
some sleep to dream of others. some sleep to forget others. some sleep to simply not be troubled.
some slumber to stop those mumbles. those crumbles. those wrinkles. slumber works wonders.
but for you.
you start a notion. to stir my emotions. to create new sensations.
has it reached your realisation. that my senses have turned senseless.

i need to yell. hear me out.
this is one of those days. dreaded days. extended nights.
all alone. almost anguished inside.
you tell me life is a journey
and the destinations not my concern
the journey's what counts
somehow momentum's lost
gone down the wrong path
hoping tomorrows will rectify themselves.
i know what to do
i know what i should do
i just arent doing.
two are helping.
three are praying.
five are interceding.
for one me.
to stand up. and realise.
to stretch. and actualise.
those dreams. those imagery. those me-s i see.
in the future. when my hair's all white.
in the future. when my eyesight's alittle blurred.
in the future. will i regret.
giving this day away to the weather.

echoing you know who, my very own to do list

[ things to do]
Get my design going. Quit doing the talk, walk the talk! Join stepclass. Read Sophie's World. Be less corny. Get a Powerbook. Learn French.Call friends.Chat on ICQ. Put a notice on lavalife. Feed the brains. Learn C++. Write poetry. Deep breathing. Go running. Go clubbing. Get back to work. Find a new download program. Give people answers. Thank Rio. Thank Nigel. Thank Nicholas. Await Lisha.Do laundry. Beat the cold. Scout for new speakers. Send printer for servicing. Rent a car. Drive down memory lane. Grab my cam. go snap good photos. Savoir the moments with my folks. Send a postcard to old friends. Go grocery shopping. Admire the sight. Change water in vase. Design new wallpapers. Read gurly mags. Lift weights. Skip. Sleep early. Have breakfast. Bitch less. Listen more. Be thankful. Look forward to the better things in life. Plan a trip after graduation. Denounce negativity. Spot locations. Ring friends. Get re-acquainted. Get lodging. Catch up old times. Spin old tunes. Hug the ones I love. Offer flowers to nana. Pray. Live. Learn. Breathe. Speak. Listen. Send daddy Father Day's greetings. dedicate a poem to daddy.

next stop. complete overhaul.
*peace n respects

::to my bloody buds, in memory of my nana::
i want to write. more than words.
i want to draw. more than lines.
i want to catch your laughters.
i want to catch those tears.
i want to hold those dreams.
frame them. escalate them. amplify them.
i want to keep you.
by my side. in my heart.
nestled in the warmth of my memories.
where thoughts of you shoot into my brains.
where you taught me
lessons on living, breathing, loving
you had to show me dying.
the physicalities of that
because you are more than breathing
having breathed the rhythm of life into me.
till i see you. in heaven.
allow me to say once more.
i love you.

i hesitate.
you hesitate.
i hesitate.
you precipitate.
i hesitate.
you reinstate.
i hesitate.
you culminate.
i hesitate.
you want to see a change in state.
want to see ice melt into water.
want to see water turn into gas.
intoxicate.
reinstate.
those days when we were one another's oxygen.
breathing you in, breathing me out.

allow me to thank the concerned few. when i was at my downest. lowest. when it seems i was more than a feet below ground. you pulled me up. with your atmost. only to find me swallowed by the masses, the next morning. these days, i smile. joke. laugh. and though they are real. come night, i cry, weep, sob, knowing she's near. just invisible. I am sorry, till i pick myself up, till i realised whats up, till i dream with my eyes closed, till i accept the hard truth. will i drop an answer. but now, all i can do is hesitate.

cherish. hope. love. peace.

how much remembering is the right amount.
i always act on first impulse
i always retard my actions on second thoughts
these days, i keep my imagination under control.
sometimes correcting it, many times assisting it.
the imagination can tyrannize
influence, dominate, even tormentize this life
depending on the folly that leads us
some turn into fools, others into christs
imagination, lord it over with the most prudent self control
and steer away from blissful delusion.
then we will realise
that there is indeed a heaven on earth.

peace.

why does the thief walk boldly through my door architrave. while i stand by and wave. will i out of impulse. pull a chair. and toss it over. shutting not only the mouth that spews blindly, but the eyes that creeps slowly, not forgetting the intelligence that tries to hide its face.

at night bodies rest
filled with dreams and sorrows
quivering with the growth of new cells
with the union of body and soul
plans are laid for the easy life
in the morning we sleep late
before we take hold
of the new day's battles and wounds

so many nights. so many fights. so many rights. so many bites.
nibbles of affection. chunks of infatuation.
the scars never showing.
last night, there came the question.
the hows whys whats on my mind.
the whys wheres whos in my place.
allow me to be thankful, for all those showers of concern, those words of sweet nothings, knowing that i may well never reciprocrate.
seeing one dwell on the past wrongdoings, seeing regrets taking a plunge down the well of sorrows, is not how i wish to see you.
as i said, and as i will always say, till my mind's less murky, less cloudly, more sane, will i share.
whats weighing us down. whats stopping us now. whats standing between us now.
i havent had the slightest hunch. but i sense a fear in me.
but thanks, for always being there.
though i shower down storms of torment,
hurricanes of anger,
and drizzle of tears,
you still stand still.
offering those sturdy shoulders and gentle words.
be still.
i am thankful. for you always being here.
steering my will.
while eyes still on the wheels.

you rang. said you threw away the script. you played half the role. and you wanna stop. at act 3.
you asked. if the script's open for changes. if the endings could be altered. faltered. wavered.
i am unsure. the unknown. the possibles. the impossibles.
the apostles. who plays who. who played who.
truth. dare. the all-bares.
you gave. more than i asked for.
you asked. more than i wished for.
i gave. less than you hoped for.
shortchanged. yet not stopping. those changes for the better.
those promises of the better. maybe. we are already much better. just leaving the battle.
promise me. let me, us, stay the same. refrain. constrain. abstain. till time tells its tales. without tears.
thanks for the present moment.

mobile rang. time unsure. location unknown. people blurred. voices muffled. but i hear you clear.
sometimes someones somehow find it hard to register to remember to be simply nostalgia
singing off pitched swimming across the tide wishing the wishful
things we all do. somehow we all dont know. the know hows.
i find it hard to forget. hard to remember. tedious to register. all that tears.
good memories. bad dreams. tough thoughts. hard knocks.
what nots. simply. what nots.
i got those flowers. and i hope they not wither. in my locker.
i got the message, not in a bottle, but all bottled.
but i dont bother, i prefer drinks in tetra paks. not bottled.
i hope this arent bubbled. and more than clearly. make sense.

admiring the sight still.