it doesnt feel right. the screams. the cries. the anxiety. the manslaughtering. the final condolences.
it wasnt even for a good cause. it was for the fallen mankind.

i dont think like leaders do. my heart doesnt pump like leader's do.
my brain doesnt conjure decisions like leaders do.
i used to lead, but maybe the small pack of men doesnt equate to whole nations.
maybe history is right. maybe there will always be a couple of men, who rise, to lead.
whose voices, whose actions, affect aplenty.
maybe its like a case of, i have tonnes of men under me,
liken to ants, missing a couple wouldnt make any difference.
but i trembled, when i heard it. i mourned when i saw the result.
and i stare in disgust. at the leaders' condolences.

how do they think.
what do they feel.
maybe simply nothing.

euro2004 brings to mind, the days when i was outnumbered by the bigger males, playing alongside relatives, seeing the bigger than me, knowing myself as the almighty striker, the no misses goalkeeper.

wimbledon brings to mind, the days i stroke shoulders with the rich. being labelled a private school type, when all i was doing, was enjoying the sheer adrenaline rush i get by running after a luminous coloured ball. and yes, i had an expensive racket.

tour de france brings to mind, high school days. when the bike offered a getaway, from the strict regulated education shackles, the bike chains broke them all. i found my sanctuary, the exploration, possible only on my rusty bike.

i have stopped watching soccer since.
i still play tennis whenever i feel like.
i still ride, to beat the rising public transport costs and inefficiencies.

tempus fugit et nos fugimus in illus

time flies. and we fly with it.

tide changes. and we change with it.

bottoms up to aqua vitae

:my great day:

you know its a great day
when you sliced a huge chunk of flesh off your finger
you know its a great day
when you get detoured, detoured and further detoured
all for the good cause of installation of new tram tracks
you know its a great day
when your fingers go dry from the packing and evicting of unneccessary trash
you know its a great day
when you are still breathing,
when your heart's still thumping,
when you realise that you are not in the worst case scenario.

the search for a place. taught me a couple of good lessons. to trust my instincts, to know my limitations, to not to gamble with hope, to not to heed certain advices, at the end of the road, these advices yield but a negative result, but they bring with them certain repurcussions, which i so abhor. but i so have to bear now, because, these are but consequences, not rights or wrongs. whats left of the right or the wrong?

how true one gets moulded by his surroundings, by his foes, chums, by what he reads, what he eats, what he sees. what they preach, what they speak, what they spit, why they split, why she reach, why he reads, where is it? where is that red thread, i held on to for directions. you borrowed it, planted me to the ground, and never returned, leaving the protagonist, holding onto a branch of a tree, from summer, till now. winter's almost here.

these maple leaves have reached my waist level.

the mighty saints for a first pic trial.  

trial!  

i have to write more. i have to find a place to move into. i have to read more. i have to find a job. i have to buy 2 ducks. i have to cook more. have to smile more. have to clean more. have to empty the trash bins. drink my milk before it passes the best before. have to do heaps when all i am doing is soaking into the moment, savouring what idleness dishes out today. sometimes, idleness is not that bad a past time, we move so fast in this fucked up world of ours, losing sight of our goals, desires and what makes us tick. sometimes, being still and listening to the heartbeat and voices from within, is a journey, so few dare to even embark on. cause we are doing things, passionlessly. yes, i hear, its all for survival, in a fucked up world.

peace n may passion lead us all.

ups and downs. the highs and lows of househunting. or should we call it homemaking.
what comes between a home and a house.
what comes between a kitchen and a ratshack of trash.
what comes between a lounge and a room with a telly.
what is space. how do we carve spaces. or do we simply occupy them.
do we territorise.
do we crave authorship of space.
aestheticising. sanitisation. or simply sheltering.

there is a mired whirlpool between familiarity and expeditions. the left craves a new change in environment. the right fights for the preservation of the current. the physical you, is tuggled. pulled on either sides, still standing on the crossroads. one thing's for sure, the preservation will go only as far as the the flesh can take the pinchings of regrets. i now know.what so few know.

peace

the balance of our surroundings. the zen. the optimal. the key to satisfaction. the pilgrimage we take, the route to enlightenment. is the balance of things a key to quench the insatiable desires the spirit in us crave?

with balances. i move into unfairness. injustice. and a lack of balance. systems created by men, have loopholes. so we call the people who squeeze through these loopholes as being injust, or do we brand them, opportunists? do we yell out unfairness. or do we swallow the injustice and look instead at the majority, who havent taken the loopholes to their advantage. we all have different cell and genes structures, we think differently, our values differ, and we get moved by different events. maybe, i should simply be accepting. not everyone's voice gets heard in the crowd, the protagonist always has the longest script. or maybe not. my protagonist keeps silence and stays solemn in the crowd.

the university. a place. an environment. a place of digust. or the nurturing grounds of knowledge. are we in there, to pursue a higher level of knowledge, or simply, to seek ownership to a degree, which many mistaken as a passport to success. my degree does me injustice, there is more to me, than simply a sheet of paper, certifying that i have been there, done it. i have had classes with mediocre thieves, who were amongst me, due to parent pressures. i have had brushes with bandits, who were tearing important facts from library books. i have fought a fight, to stay sane, in the fraternity, which does injustice to the wise.

to balance things up, i did had classes with the truly wise. the truly character-filled. i have had meetings over coffee and booze, with the inspiring. but i too am appalled, at the ethics and values, of the university. can we ever place a comma, between high school (,) university. can we ever place a (,) between wise and smart.

the balance of our surroundings. the zen. the optimal. the key to satisfaction. the pilgrimage we take, the route to enlightenment. is the balance of things a key to quench the insatiable desires the spirit in us crave?

with balances. i move into unfairness. injustice. and a lack of balance. systems created by men, have loopholes. so we call the people who squeeze through these loopholes as being injust, or do we brand them, opportunists? do we yell out unfairness. or do we swallow the injustice and look instead at the majority, who havent taken the loopholes to their advantage. we all have different cell and genes structures, we think differently, our values differ, and we get moved by different events. maybe, i should simply be accepting. not everyone's voice gets heard in the crowd, the protagonist always has the longest script. or maybe not. my protagonist keeps silence and stays solemn in the crowd.

the university. a place. an environment. a place of digust. or the nurturing grounds of knowledge. are we in there, to pursue a higher level of knowledge, or simply, to seek ownership to a degree, which many mistaken as a passport to success. my degree does me injustice, there is more to me, than simply a sheet of paper, certifying that i have been there, done it. i have had classes with mediocre thieves, who were amongst me, due to parent pressures. i have had brushes with bandits, who were tearing important facts from library books. i have fought a fight, to stay sane, in the fraternity, which does injustice to the wise.

to balance things up, i did had classes with the truly wise. the truly character-filled. i have had meetings over coffee and booze, with the inspiring. but i too am appalled, at the ethics and values, of the university. can we ever place a comma, between high school (,) university. can we ever place a (,) between wise and smart.