i wished.
we had a better emotion time-tabling.
i wished.
i had.
the right. voice.
to listen.
the right. shoulder.
to lean.
the right. one.
to be with.
when i am at my downest.

not that i arent thankful for you nichk.

but i certainly wished
you exercise retardation at times
i wished.
we had talked.
cos i had heaps to share.
but i know
the body has its limits
and so i bid goodnight.
with tears still rolling.

slumber off world.
while the gal searches the stars. for her nana.
missing you, nana.
love, weiling.

i still cant take your untimely demise. i question my reactions when i return.
and these tears had to fall, always at the wrong moments.

counting livestock

dont really know what to expect.
dont really know who to respect.
dont really know what to inspect.
dont really know where to dispatch.
dont really know where the last hole was.
needle and thread. where to patch.

a straight line always has two points.
point A, i saw.
point B, i searched.
point B, i used to so see fondly.
point B, now, i term, the horizon point.
cant really see. cant hardly watch, without tearing.
alittle pointless no doubt.

cement coloured skies
rain beating on tired limbs
some refreshes , some awaken , some lose senses
and slumber, awaiting to blame the weather
when we awake and still unsober

missing the old zinc roof
know what?
i used to be the fastest
to predict the raingods
know what?
i used to have the strength
at 5, to pull the zinc roof
splatter splatter sweet melody to my ears
friends said i lived in the dumps
she had a sleek concrete roof
he has an airconditioned room
me, a leaking roof, a boiling room

but seeing how she grew
seeing how he lived
i never regretted
being the tom boy, running the alleys
brushing shoulders with druglords
striking conversations with hawkers
and i still detest the rich and famous
choosing to hang around
the poor yet contented
beautiful people of this world

pull the plug from the securities of life,
else you cant survive.
the government, the country, the leaders
draw physical lines around us
why do so many of us choose to draw more lines
to sanitize, and lose fantasizing, this life

where dreams use to soar as we were kids
the only dream the kid i know have is
a PS2.
upbringing. surroundings. teachings. imparting.
or rather merely educating.
how to win the rat race, at 3.

*peace*

i enjoy the run from reality.
i seek solace from gravity.
allow me, to leap in mid air
although the fall is pain and anguish
but those seconds of adrenaline rush
more than worthy

dont offer the hands of gravity
dont offer the hands for sympathy
stand not in my way
to the path to sweet denial
promise me
to forever hold your silence
on my denial of certain presence
cos they make me tear
my greatest fear
arent even near

but still they make me tear.

have we stood so rooted to earth, that we have to remind ourselves that the earth is in a constant rotation and flux. nothing's constant.

like limbs you cant control.
you find your heart steered the wrong directions.

like eyes you dont own.
you find your tears falling incesssantly.

this early and wee the hours no doubt.
calls me to rest the boggled mind,
on a pillow soaked with tears.
shed for reasons i seek to find.

your reactions are nice.
your directions are right.
i just need for now, to rest that mind.

boggling over things i know shouldnt be in my mind.
pondering over the unrealised.
the very objects that make you tickle.
can certainly make you tear in a second.

i need to build a better relationship
with my heart and my mind
i still am lost, how they function.
its been 22 years, but i certainly am still searching.
still questioning.

it irks me.
your candid disposition.
it disturbs me.
your questioning stares.
it consoles me.
your timely departure.
soon.

there a certain individuals in my life. who i come across, who i bump pass, and stroke shoulders with. who without rhythm or reason, irks me. these are those things, which call for no reasoning. my only reasoning, solely to console me, is that we view life and thread experience differently. but yet again, it doesnt justify the negativity and immediate repulsion. i admit, its my flaw. now console me, how do i condone their dismeanor?

:blog bulletin no1:
nigel's gonna be taking part in the CN tower charity climb. mates, checkout his site for a direct link to his 'sponsor nigel's climb' website.

respite from the radicals.
respite from the biblical.
respite from the religious.
despised from the who?

:gambling with *god:
*heaven must be filling up.
and i may not have a place.
if the *lord was looking for the old me
biblical swearing. faith uprising.
if the *lord was looking for the old me.
fervent praying.religious living.
if the *lord was looking for the old me.
*he still knows where i am.
and will be.

despite the talk. despite the clot.
inspired. by the spirit. i am and will be.
why do you punctuate your speech with *god?

*caps to be added.
[inspired by a blog by a certain somebody i knew. somehow, i feel that the bridge between the believer and the non believer is widening. both parties fail to understand the radicalities of the other. as the arms of the bridge gets stretched wanting to reach to the other end, the veins get clotted, and muscles get torned. by religious radicals. who tells the poor, god loves them, while holding a leather bonded bible, and the poor, waits on, holding on to nothing, but a morsel of white bread. minus the lattes, minus the churches, minus the comfy seats and shiny toiletware, how do u manifest his love? why go around advocating your god's the greatest? cos your mere existence sometimes fail to show others, what you are selling.]

the vicious cycle of life.
from a mother's womb, we came out innocent and everything nice.
i trusted daddy, when he tossed me into the air. i know, i wouldnt fall.
i trusted grandpa, when he send me to look for old-chan. i know, i wouldnt lose my way.
i trusted grandma, when she told me to wait for her in the crossroads. i know, she would be back.
i trusted mom, when she told me to eat the candy that just dropped on the floor. i know, i would be fine.

come 3,
daddy said the world were full of evil ones.
grandpa said, drop my trusting.
grandma said, a type of rice feeds a million type of people.
mommy said, the world's a furball of good vs evil.

come 12,
i saw it all.

come 21,
i question it all.

come 22,
i lost many friends. the pull of greed, the pull of jealousy, the pitholes of human nature.
but i could do nothing at all. J, i tried. you know. you just wouldnt let it go.

come 81,
i will reminsce all these.
i thank all, who wrote and played a role.
in my story of life.
some say the end is the goal.
i say the journey is the experience.
if i bid farewell, tomorrow, i would have a smile on my face.

i would die a loving old lady, wrinkled by the experiences of life and lies
i would tell the young ones
experience and savour life.

--
thanks and its been inspiring and experiencing journey.
just having you here with me, happy birthday trenty baby.

:random thoughts of this moment:

i think through my my ears. i think through my nose. that beat so familiar. that smell alittle peculiar.
these days, i am sensitising. sensitive to mere smells and sounds. is it just me, or do you, feel the same. the same song beats when i got the news. of my nana's demise. the same song beats in the background. 2 months later. but it seems i got brought back to the day. the same sacred day, mixed feelings. lost sensitivity.

its true. i smell you around. good bad feelings. bad good memories. authored by smells. authored by fragrances. authored by the invisible author.
nana's notebook bore her handwriting. bore her cupboard's smell. bore her presence. bore her intelligence. bore her fears. bore her courages. bore her whole being. bore the living in her cremated physical body. lost body, living scents. makes sense.

photos work for some. not me. words. smells. calligraphy. doddles. sketches. thoughts. intellectual. these work for me.
the photos turned yellow. the writings smurged. simply saying. trival writings, they work through my skin.

"...I have never been aware before how many faces there are.
There are quantities of human beings, but there are many more faces, for each person has several."
-Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge

i would, if i could,
i would like to play a tune and soothe someone to sleep
i would like to read a book and inspire someone to dream
i would like to write more than mere strings of words
i would like to show the world the beauty of being content
i would like to show the world.
i would like to slow the world.
i would like to soothe the world.
i would like the world to be in
slow motion.
still films.

:condolences to the Malls family:

:save the best for last:
for the many times we held back
for the many times we said wait
for the many times we procrastinate
we deny ourselves an opportunity
we deny ourselves an experience
that may well, be the last.

:singapore. november 2003:
i will remember to pack a thick white journal.
where thoughts would be penned.
imagery sketched
i dont know when.
will i ever be back.
but everytime i do.
i get shocked. i abhor.
americanised. de-asian-ised.
this place i called home.
bulldozers came.
they simply bulldozed my entire childhood with machines.
systems came.
they turned education into a competition. with peers.
besides the weather.
everything else is in change.
a motion. i cant bear seeing.
a motion. i cant bear feeling.
the only constant.
family and friends.
nai nai. am still missing you.
thanks & see you round the bend.

:summer 1968:
a ladder into the skies.
spotted by these tired eyes.
i dream yet another black and white scene
where the world churns back
back to the summer of 1968.

:sun:
and so she said. she got an autograph, on her bible.
and so she said. she looked like a dazzling star.
and so she said. she sounds like a fallen angel.
fame. flames.
fame. blames.
fame. walks the lame.
fame. it all came.

:gravity grave:
start digging one please.
gravity grave.
thats where i breathe.
pulled. i tuggle.
pulled. i struggle.
thats the beauty of life.
location: gravity grave.