dear all,
its been awhile i wrote a mass easy to comprehend message to all. rather than typing an email, and forwarding it to all. and then risk bitches n bastards doing what they are best at, give me a load of shit for omitting them out of my updates, i choose to do this. top 5 questions and answers posted by the motley crew to the c.toast

#1how are you?
could be better

#2when are you departing for laos & cambodia?
with immense amount of grieve and regret. i arent going anymore. thanks to the bird flu around this region. so there goes my 3rd world wanderlusting once more.

#3hows the cold war getting along?
the weather here's conducive for icy chill conditions. so temperatures & communications continue dipping. people i once loved, i care no more. apparantly to so many, money attracts opposites like magnets. i see no reason in communication once more.

#4how long more before you move along?
counting down, and looking forward to next wednesday. thankfully i got an early afternoon flight.

#5how was chinese new year?
call me a lost chinese girl, in old times, no one celebrates chinese new year if a loved one passes. i was glad few were giving me red packets. cos i see no need for celebrations, with a demise in my family the last year. there is no reason for celebrating and ushering of the new year.

peace. live life.

endless waiting. constant pouring.
immense borings.
i saw a boy today. dozing in the bus.
burdened with a rock like bag.
clothed in the stress borne by all.
around here. everyone looks the same.
talks the same.
fears the same.
the flesh knows it all.
i am awaiting.
soon. i will be departing.
for the land. more suited for my thinking.
speaking of which,
these days i cease thinking.
the air around here breeds pondering.

i should have stayed behind.

contrary to popular belief
my birthday was celebrated
bridged between heaven & hell
it wasnt anything huge
it wasnt anything big
it wasnt anything important
it just happened to be the day
mom was pushed into surgery
i was pushed out of her body
maybe birthdays should be celebrated by the mom
my birthday isnt anything special compared to other days
i did not slog. pushed. struggled. i did not do all that.
i was brought up. with cakes & food galore on this day.
the taller people used to tell me.
have fun on this special day.
i get pressies. hugs & kisses.
but it doesnt make any sense to me.
i did nothing. i earned nothing. this day arent mine.
the phone rang a couple of times.
greetings & wishes from chums across the globe.
how strange yet again, the further we are, the closer we are knitted.
hopefully this stays the same.
i never see myself staying still in one place.
i never see myself throwing a birthday bash.
i breathed. ate & rested on my birthday, just like any other day.

maybe birthdays are days, the taller people use, to remind themselves, amongst the immense amount of work & stress that beseige them, that they have a kid. they have a niece. they have a sibling. the little one should have a sojurn from the tutors, the teachers & the texts. the little one should have a special one day. its ironic, how little birthdays mean to you, as you age. maybe its only me. the best gift i had, was a phone call. it was a simple voice, with a plain greeting, telling me. the 2nd best gift, was another phone call. another simple voice, with a tentalising birthday melody hummed to imperfection. the tall ones gave me monetary funding. i gasped. in disgust.

i tried to see, but all i did, was watch.
i tried to sleep, but all i did, was slumber.
i tried to talk, but all i did was mumble.
i tried to be you, but all i did, was simply not you.
we try to be someone else.
we try to clothe ourselves.
we try to improve ourselves.
renovate the cells.
clean those bells.
a century has passed.
we are still fetishising over ourselves.
self. less. ness. self. fish. ness.
the others have been out of our cone of vision far too long.

there are many issues circling my mind. many changes in this city life. i chew on the local food, but their allure and enticement have wallowed into the waters of yesterday. i crave them no more. i cross each day, on my calendar. this arent home anymore. it saddens me to see the changes, for now, only the strong survive. maybe only the strong and well to do survive. i dont have a cable connection. my mobile phone's too old a model. i live in a flat, the elevators do not bring me up to my level. i walk. i watch. i dream. but now, i remember i used to walk. used to dream. used to watch. these snippets of thoughts make no sense to myself, but they will, in time to come, serve as important decision markers. for something in stored for me.

sometimes, it takes more, to not to a thing, than to do it. it definately took more effort, tears and alittle tuggling to reject the invitation. the road we trodded on, were paved with delights, laughters & joy. but those were etched in my book of history. for now, concentrate on a speedy recovery and i m indeed missing the trio, especially in this familiar surroundings.i drove into that lane, and yes, what we left, was still there.